Faith
by Windsong
Summary: The first shonenai fic I ever wrote. Set after Endless Waltz, Heero still doesn't know why—and intends to find out. I had a lot of fun writing this. 'Why do you still have faith in me...'


Wai! My first shounen-ai fic! Took me long enough...-disgruntled grumbling- I mean, I've been a shounen-ai addict for, what, how long now? 3 years? Maybe longer...and I've been writing fics for at the very least that long. But I couldn't figure out how to write a _good_ fic, you know, one that does shounen-ai justice...this still doesn't really satisfy that. I mean, it's still overly sappy and kind of rough...well, here it is, for better or worse! (Edit: I used to be kind of proud of this fic, actually, but as time has gone by I've become more and more ashamed of it. O.o)

Oh, and those damn disclaimers...don't own GW, Duo, or Heero. Bleh. So don't come knocking on my door unless you have a donation for the "Feed the hungry otaku" fund.

And no, suing is NOT a donation.

Fic is 1st person from Heero's POV.

* * *

Faith  
_By Windsong_  
**Written 15 August 2003**

That's one of the things that makes Duo so special. He can melt into any situation, deal with any scenario, with absolute fluidity. No matter if the problem ranges from a child's troubled dreams to the delicate, poison-laced dances of high politics, he adapts in a moment. He blends in with everything from the highest social circles to the colony underworld. He quietly, and persistently worries away at your outer shell until he gets in and makes you feel like you've known him all your life. I mean, I've seen politicians tell him their life stories.

And people call _me_ the perfect soldier. In fighting, maybe. But socially? Duo is the perfect one in that regard. I can give speeches, talk to people, with flawless precision—but has anyone felt that they trusted me enough to take me into their confidence? No. No one but Duo.

I've never known anyone as irrational as him. He never takes away his trust once he gives it. It's rather ridiculous, really. I mean, even if you betray him—or seem to—he'll _still_ trust you. He'll remain loyal until God knows when, and his trust is unshakable. And I knew that. I knew, but I couldn't understand it. How did he decide who to trust? When he helped me escape from that hospital in the beginning—

"Why did you help me?" I asked him, many years later, when the last time we had been in a real fight was three years behind us.

He looked up from my laptop, a casual smile lighting his face like always. "Because," he replied, and I could feel him roll his eyes as he turned them back to the computer—

"But—why?" I persisted. "You had just met me. And not exactly on the best of terms."

As he returned his attention to me, his easy smile dropped into a serious look, with an edge of annoyance so slight I don't think he even noticed. Or maybe he did. Surely no one who hadn't known him for as long as I had would have caught it. "Because," he repeated. "I trusted you. I...liked the way you...felt." His eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to describe it. "I felt that you were someone that I could trust, and—" He abruptly turned back to the laptop, the cool glow sharpening his slightly rounded features, making his face almost unrecognizable and adding a fey edge to his usual grin, which was now firmly back in place. "Just because," he finished, refusing to meet my gaze again, "'Have faith', ya know?" And he started typing again, as if to say the matter was closed.

But I couldn't leave it alone. The question grew more urgent, more tantalizing, the longer I left it unanswered. Why me? Why did he decide to trust me? After all my cruelty, my cold indifference towards him—how could he trust me? And after all the blood I had spilled, the lives I destroyed—how could _anyone_ trust someone like me? It gnawed at the edges of my consciousness, haunting me.

A few weeks later, I couldn't take the silent prodding of my thoughts any longer, and I brought up the question again. We were returning to our college dorm and the sunset was almost over. It was that seemingly timeless period right between true sunset and true twilight, when the world filled with shadows and everything seemed slightly ethereal. The early spring air had a slight chill to it as we walked, and I could feel the sidewalk radiating the warmth that it had collected the entire day.

We were almost home when I breached the subject. He stopped and turned to me, irritation clearly written on his face this time. "Heero," he sighed, "I told you. I just trusted you." He turned away, exactly like he had last time.

"But—why?" I whirled to face him, keeping his attention, suddenly infuriated by his neat evasion of the question. "Why would you trust me?"

"I told you already! I don't know why! I just did! That's all!"

"'That's all?' What do you mean, that's all?!" I was yelling now, overcome by the need to know, emotion clouding my thoughts for the first time in my life.

As angry as I was, he yelled back, "What do you mean, 'what do you mean, that's all'?! It's not that big a deal!"

I slammed him against a nearby wall, knocking the breath out of him and pinning him there with my hands, which gripped his shoulders tightly. I was sure I was bruising him, but at the moment I didn't care. I was so frustrated that I could barely think, and again, for the first time, my tongue ran off without me. "It _is_ that big a deal," I hissed harshly, looking into his large almost-violet eyes wide with shock. "It is to me. Why trust _me_, of all people? There are nicer, better people out there to trust. Why did you decide on me?" My eyes burned, and I put my head down, turning my gaze away from him. "And after all the cruel things I did to you—" I whispered now—"Why do you still have faith in me?"

A gentle hand touched my cheek and turned my face back to him as he leaned in to capture my lips with his own. Now my eyes were wide with surprise; but his were closed, and slowly mine closed as well. I relaxed my grip on his shoulders, slowly, and brought my hands down to his waist, drawing him closer as he wrapped his arms around my back—not restraining, just close. The kiss wasn't passionate, and never became so. It was just—gentle.

What we finally separated and he opened his eyes again, he smiled at me. It was a smile of helpless laughter, both happy and hopeless in the same moment. "I trusted you, because—well—" he shook his head. "I was lonely. I was going with insane with it, because I didn't really have anyone that I _could_ trust, just people I didn't dare to. Because...everyone that I ever put faith in died.

"But you—you were untouchable. I could trust you, and," his voice tripped a little, "—love you, because you were so strong that my curse couldn't harm you. And I could sense that...your soul was as ravaged by loneliness as mine was. It's true!" He said defensively, and hurried on before I could say anything. "You always have your shields up, never really trusting or touching anyone else. It gets lonely."

I thought about it for a while. I usually just ignore feelings; most of the time, they just get in the way. But as I thought about it, I realized that he was right; there was an...empty place inside of me. When I would lose myself in a fight, sometimes the heat of battle would fill it, and it would feel for just a moment that I wasn't...lonely.

"Your shields are down now," he continued, jerking me from my thoughts. "And...so are mine." Again that hopeless smile. "But I don't know if I'm so happy about it."

"And why not?"

His smile made me ache inside, but the note of joy made it somehow bearable. "It means that I'm closer to you—but if you disappear again, like you did after Maremaia—" A flash of pain, which was quickly covered by a wavering grin. "Do you know how insane I went, looking for you? Jeez!"

But I could somehow sense his spirit trembling on the edge of tears, and I leaned in to kiss him this time, as gently as he had kissed me. "I don't plan on leaving any time soon. 'Have faith,' you know?" I echoed his words to me, close to his ear, and the uncertainty in his eyes was washed out by pure happiness for a moment.

I still didn't understand him...

But it was enough.

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Gyuuuuuuuuuuuu whacks head against wall repeatedly Ah! I hate that ending! I mean, I don't have too many problems with the beginning or the middle—but the ending! Ag! whacks head against wall again I feel like it's so BAD! runs in circles But, um, tell me what you think, ne? So I can make it better...I mean, I polished it as well as I could, but...head hits desk

(Later edit: many of the people who reviewed this have said that the ending isn't as bad as I think it is. But I still think it's kind of extensively lame. O.o)

Anyways, I evidently need more sleep, so...ja!

Windsong - wind song 137 at gmail dot com

"Maybe Duo was happier then he thought, but that was a mystery not to be solved while staring into your best friend's eyes talking about kissing." -First Kiss, by MaraJadeblu


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